Dealing with those hesitant to share.

Greetings Carolyn and Deacon Chuck!

We're hoping you might share ideas / your approach, in getting couples to discuss the chapter questions of For Better & For Ever. In our first sessions as a sponsor couple, we tried to tackle (just about) every question. However, our method has changed --> either WE choose a few questions for discussion, OR we ask the couple to choose questions which "jump-out" at them. We'd like to know techniques & tips from ["veteran"] sponsor couples :) --> especially when dealing with engaged couples who are reticent, OR simply "going through the motions" (disinterested?!). Many thanks for your time and guidance in this ministry.

Sincerely with the Grace of God,

Deacon Dave & Sue Brinkmoeller

Holy Spirit Pastorate - Dubuque, IA

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Hi Dave and Sue,

Thanks for your question it's a good one! And you are on the right track.

Here's how we handle the quieter couples.

First (and you may already do this) we "warm up" by asking how they met, how they got engaged, how the wedding plans are coming, etc. (also sharing our stories on these items) which is bound to get them talking about these comfortable topics. That sort of breaks the ice, and they understand we want to listen to them, not teach them by lecture.

Then, we ask (gently...not demandingly!) what they learned by working on the Homework we asked them to do.  We want to make this a sincere invitation to listen to WHATEVER they are willing to share with us.  We always affirm the value of what they share.  We might add a personal story that we hope might show them our own efforts to grow though the kind of situation they are sharing with us.  The goal is to help them learn that we are here to listen to them share their experience of learning to share very person thoughts and feelings with one another and with us.  For the quiet ones, we need to be very patient because they are learning new skills.

In later sessions, when they are more likely to come prepared to share with us, we always ask, "what really jumped out at you guys in answering these questions?" or "did you find your answers very similar or different from each other?" (if the same, we compliment them that they must already be communicating well, and then move on with an example of how our answers are often different, giving them permission to admit they are discovering new things about each other.)

We always start with "what did you find most interesting/challenging/difficult to get into?" which gives us an entre into what might be the key topics to address. If all else fails, we will again resort to sharing something we talked about, and then ask how they found that topic.

We never go down the list of questions.  We always try to find out which of the many topics has most relevance for discussion with them. Often, by observing them, we guess what might be productive topics if they don't volunteer any, and we start there.

Almost inevitably, by the 3rd session, once they have discovered that we aren't there to tell them stuff, or to make them feel on the spot, but rather we want to hear their story (so that they hear each other) and they begin to open up.

If one is quiet and the other dominates, we always make a point to ask the quieter one what they think (once the other is finished, or if necessary, by interrupting them and saying, "wow, what do you (other one) think about that?"

As you can see, what we do is very much what you have discovered as well. Our bias is to keep reminding ourselves that they will get very little long term benefit from listening to us, compared to listening to each other so we are always very light on our sharing, using it as a way to get them to talk!

Sometimes, we find that the couple is able to talk about tougher things in front of us, because we listen and reinforce them, than they can alone with each other. Of course, we want them to learn to do that when we aren't here to cheer them on.

So, for us, it's 25% talking and (at least) 75% listening! The trick is to get them comfortable with us, as we evolve from strangers to sponsors, to friends.

Hope that is helpful; sounds like you are already well on the way to discovering how to "reach" your couples.

Let us know if there is anything else we can help with.

Peace,

Chuck and Carolyn

Deacon Chuck and Carolyn Lamar

For Better and For Ever Editorial Team