Women need to talk abbout sexual needs, and men should listen.

The point here is that communication (i.e. dialogue) is critical, not just for a couple’s sexual satisfaction but for every other dimension of their relationship.  The process of dialogue is not merely for more effective exchange of information; while effective communication is a good thing, the more important goal is a more intimate relationship and a more satisfactory marriage.  – Rob Ruhnke

by Cay Crow, San Antonio Express-News, August 25, 2007

Gentlemen, specifically men who love women, this column is for you, so pay attention. .

Guys, the majority of women (70 percent) cannot express orgasm through intercourse alone. Women need other forms of stimulation such as oral sex or manual stimulation. Maybe you have come across a woman who enjoys intercourse in and of it­self, but the majority of women are just not anatomically built for maximum sexual pleasure during intercourse.

Virtually every week in my practice, I meet a woman whose husband/boyfriend/lover has in­formed her that she is a freak of nature because she cannot ex­press orgasm through intercourse alone. He either compares her sexual functioning with that of other women from his past or he has seen too many erotic films where women respond explosively to whatever the guy does. Guys, did it ever occur to you that some of the women you slept with were faking their orgasms? Or that those erotic films misrepresent the reality of love­making? The reason why there are no out takes on erotic films is because so much of the preparation takes place behind the scenes. To put it bluntly, your ex­pectations are unrealistic. Real sex takes more work and communication.

If you know anything about female sexual anatomy, you know that the source of a woman’s pleasure is the clitoris, which is a few inches away from the entrance to the vagina. Unless you and your partner position yourselves accordingly, the clitoris is neglected. Just because you are getting maximum stimulation through intercourse does not mean that she is. Remember that women are the ones who give birth to large headed infants. By design, the vaginal barrel has little sensitivity. The only sensitive part is typically the first third of the vagina around the entrance; that is where the erectile tissue is that fills with blood when a woman is aroused. But the entrance to the vagina is still not as sensitive as the clitoris.

Also, female arousal tends to be quite different from that of males. Men are like helicopters lifting straight up into the air in the rotation of desire. Women are more like 747s that need a long runway for desire to take off. There are exceptions, of course, but generally speaking, the slower you take the ap­proach, the better the launch.

I think that too many couples expect good sex to just happen, especially when they are newly in love with all those amazing chemicals swimming around in their brains. But the reality is that to have good sex, you need to talk about it and ask your partner what they enjoy – what does or doesn’t work for them.  And it is normal for sexual functioning to change over time with age, health issues or stress. Having kids drastically affects your sex life. It’s difficult to have a romantic moment with your partner while your little one is knocking on the bedroom door.

Women who communicate their sexual needs to their partners have a satisfying love life; so speak up, ladies, and gentlemen, listen!

Send your questions to Cay Crow, c/o Features Department, San Antonio Express-News, P.O. Box 2171, San Antonio, TX 78297-2171, or to askcay@ya­hoo.com. Craw’s advice column runs Saturdays.