Daily Dialogue - essential spirituality skill
Daily Dialogue as a Spiritual Practice – Rob Ruhnke & Dan Houston
At His last supper, Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)
As a member of the Redemptorist Order, I continue the mission of preaching the Gospel of Jesus, but I know that having love for one another requires more than hearing the Gospel. Love requires a response. We have an opportunity, not only to tell folks about Jesus, but to help those who hear His word respond to Him. I want to share some of my personal experience in trying to respond to Jesus.
I think that ~ for most of us ~ learning to listen and respond to others starts with the relationships in our “family of origin” (which could have been an orphanage). The communication skills (which might have been very effective or mostly inadequate) we practiced growing up are the ones to bring into our adult lives and into marriage.
Most people seek a partner willing to collaborate in the project of building a healthy marriage and family. For Jesus’ followers, their efforts to treat their spouses and their children with dignity was a significant reality that attracted other couples (especially married women) to join their ranks. It was how they lived that “showed” others how to serve Jesus through loving service to others. “I am among you as one who serves.” (Luke 22:27)
The effective communication skills required for a healthy marriage can be learned, if not as children from parents, then as adults. Learning these skills enables a couple to serve one another lovingly. Persons entering marriage do so with the best intentions for success, but they each bring their strengths and weaknesses inherited from their family of origin. This heritage has a major effect on their health (their vulnerability to certain diseases), their thinking (what teams they cheer for, whom they vote for, their favorite foods, etc.), and most importantly their ability to establish and sustain healthy relationships.
Marriage preparation programs have been attempting to assist couples to learn and use the communication skills that can help them acknowledge and effectively manage the strengths and weaknesses of their families of origin. If they fail to do this, eventually they find themselves less and less able to communicate. [Rev. Roger H. Keeler, J.C.D., PhD., former Executive Coordinator of the of the Canon Law Society of America, says, “The number one reason for divorce is an inability to communicate.”] Their marriage becomes an unholy and sometimes destructive relationship rather than the “intimate relationship of life and love” that is the definition of matrimony (Vatican II, Church in the Modern World, par. 48). They may not divorce, but their marriage is not the life giving relationship they vowed it would be for themselves, their family, the Church, and the world.
Through four decades of trying to design better marriage preparation, I learned the unique value of training married couples of a parish to function as “sponsor couples” by meeting with one engaged couple at a time. These sponsor couples provide a private and judgment-free sharing about strengths and weaknesses inherited from their families of origin, and demonstrate the skills of daily dialogue that can be used to sustain marital intimacy.
Through years of conversations with married couples, I have concluded that couples who practice daily dialogue come to a better understanding of their family of origin strengths and weaknesses and how to manage their differences in more constructive ways. Furthermore, this understanding has convinced me that developing a form of “daily dialogue” for myself as a vowed religious is similarly effective.
My spiritual life must include not only daily prayer in which I speak to God but also daily dialogue with God. This takes the form of a Prayer Journal that I write in each day. I miss a day now and then, but always begin with “Dearest Abba” just as Jesus encouraged. Then I usually write something like “Praise and bless your holy name!” Then I share whatever is on my mind, careful to use the words “feel” and “think” correctly, and use “I messages” as much as possible. Some days my entries are brief and some days they are longer. I write about my expectations for the day ahead, my fears, the challenges I face, lessons learned from a recent frustration, and my hopes. I always end with “Peace and love, Rob.”
If I were married, I would share these daily love letters with my spouse. Usually the only one with whom I share them is my Dearest Abba, though sometimes I share one with someone important to me.
I close with three questions.
- Do my thoughts about Daily Dialogue give you something to think about?
- Do you think these thoughts can be useful for Sponsor Couples?
- What about Dating couples and those preparing for marriage?
Rob Ruhnke 2-17-2024