How one-income couples can remain equals
How one-income couples can remain equals
By SARA RATHNER
NERDWALLET
THE PRESS DEMOCRAT • SUN. FEB 27, 2022
Some couples mutually decide that they want to have a one-income household. But for others, the decision is made for them.
The COVID-19 pandemic has left many in this situation, especially at its outset, when jobs in hard-hit industries disappeared. And with schools and day cares closing so frequently, many couples may have felt it made sense to have a parent at home full time.
Before, you operated as equals. Now, one of you worries about losing your independence while the other feels the added pressure to provide. Suddenly, your relationship dynamic isn’t the one you signed up for.
Even if you agree that one of you dropping out of the work-force is the best option for your family, both of you may feel conflicted. Not only do your responsibilities change, but the way you view each other can also change, especially if part of what sparked your interest in your partner in the first place was their passion for their career.
“You align in this professional way — to then lose that, you might learn some things about your partner that maybe aren’t attractive, or you have to adjust to,” says Stacey Sherrell, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Glendale, who co-founded Decoding Couples, which provides courses, videos and other relationship support.
If you’re the one staying at home, it’s essentially like starting a new unpaid job. Without an income, you might feel like you no longer have as much of a say in financial matters. On the other hand, if you’re the newly minted sole breadwinner, you might be wondering when you’ll get your break from juggling a career and family.
With one of you at home (and the reduction in income), it’s time to revisit your budget. Maybe you no longer need thrice-weekly takeout, a professional dog walker or a cleaning service.
Don’t forget about the valuable work benefits you may lose if you leave your job.
Here’s a potentially sticky situation: allocating money for the stay-at-home partner for their own discretionary spending. Definitely budget for this, but whatever you do, Sherrell says, don’t call it an allowance.
In some families, being the breadwinner can also mean being the chief decision-maker, and that’s simply not fair. “Money has become synonymous with ‘entitlement’ and that doesn’t work in a relationship,” says Rachel Facio, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Glendale who co-founded Decoding Couples with Sherrell. “In an equal, thriving relationship, that doesn’t give you the master key to the castle. Society has to catch up on that change.”
Check in with each other once a week, not just to review what each of you need to do to help keep things running, but also to give yourselves a distraction-free moment to talk openly.