Dr. David Stoop - Forgiving What You'll Never Forget
Rob Ruhnke: I am putting some key thoughts from David Stoop’s book here to get you thinking. I hope you will become motivated to get a copy of his book and learn how ~ with God’s help ~ you can put in operation forgiveness skills that most of us never learned…..
Apology Not Accepted
Forgiveness doesn't come naturally to anyone. Perhaps the main reason is that it is so basically and totally unfair. I’m the one who has been injured, and now I must do the forgiving? No way! And if the offense is horrendous, forgiveness is not only unnatural, it seems impossible. Or what if the other person isn't sorry, or isn't even alive anymore? How do I forgive in that situation? It's impossible. Or is it?
What Is Unforgivable
I was leading a workshop on forgiveness and the subject of unforgivable acts came up, I was ready.
“So, what’s unforgivable?” I asked the group as I moved toward the whiteboard. The first suggestions came quickly, and our list began to take shape:
• Child molestation
• Adultery
• Murder - “And especially if it’s your child,” someone added.
• Abortion
• Rape
• Divorce
• Abandonment by a parent
• Physical abuse by a parent or a spouse
• Any kind of betrayal by a loved one
Why, then, do some of us want to make certain things “unforgivable”? I think the only reason is that we have some wrong ideas about what forgiveness is and what it isn’t. Let's check your “forgiveness" belief system.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. How have you typically defined “forgiveness”?
2. What lessons did you learn in your family, while growing up, about forgiveness?
3. What things have you considered “unforgivable”?
4. What is the most difficult thing you have ever had to forgive?
Myths and Truths about Forgiveness
We each have our own unique set of beliefs about forgiveness. We have our qualifications about certain points, or our belief that some things are at least almost impossible to forgive. Let s examine our beliefs and understanding of forgiveness before we begin our examination of forgiving the unforgivable. Here’s a short quiz that you can answer simply "true” or “false.”
True or False
T or F 1. When forgiving, I should always try to forgive and forget.
T or F 2. It’s good to get angry when I'm trying to forgive.
T or F 3. I should give up all hard feelings toward the person I forgive.
T or F 4. I should try to forgive others quickly and completely.
T or F 5. Over time, my hurt will go away and my forgiveness of the other person will take care of itself.
T or F 6. If I've forgiven, I will never have feelings of hatred against those who have hurt me.
T or F 7. If I forgive, I am in some way saying that what happened to me didn't matter.
T or F 8. Forgiveness is basically a one-time decision. Either I forgive or I don't.
T or F 9. I can’t forgive until the person who hurt me repents.
T or F 10. I should forgive even if the person who hurt me does not repent. [Check your answers with Stoop's answers at the bottom of this page]
Let’s look at each of the statements posed above as true / false questions and how we answered them….Stoop’s book goes on to provide answers to all these statements > Forgiving What You'll Never Forget . [ Answers to the True/False statements: 1-F,2-T,3-T but it is a process,4-F,5-F,6-F,7-F,8-F both a decision & a process, 9-F,10-T. ]