Every marriage is different - by Brian Baker

Every marriage is different.

But when things get tough,

it helps to remember that you’re not alone.

by Brian Baker  December 2015 USCatholic.org

Andrea Buckley remembers how she and Mike made the commitment to stay together and love each other no matter what on their wedding day. They took their marriage vows seriously: “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer…” They imagined all the good times ahead. But when the bad things came along—as they always do—they found themselves hopelessly unprepared, with no clue about what to do or where to turn for help.

“We were bringing up five kids and both dealing with elderly parents,” Andrea says. “I was caring for my father with Alzheimer’s. The romance had passed out of our marriage. And I felt disillusioned, helpless, and lonely.”

Mike remembers how tough it was for her. “Andrea was going to the nursing home on a daily basis. She was drained. We didn’t spend much time together,” he recalls. “And there was a real heavy sadness over both of us.”

He pitched in at home, focusing his energy on their children to try to take some stress off his wife. But he would end up putting even more pressure on their relationship when his attempt to be a Good Samaritan backfired.

“I was working at a bank and one of the guys there had health and financial problems. I thought maybe I could help him out,” Mike says. “I gave him some loans, which mushroomed into several thousand dollars that I was on the hook for.”

With their relationship already in chaos, Mike kept the matter a secret for over a year. In retrospect, he admits that was not such a good idea. “When we made our commitment, we didn’t know what the rough times were going to be like or how to handle them. All I knew is that you never talked about certain things. You went to church and made sure everything looked good for the drive-by.”

Andrea agrees: “Back [when we were younger], you didn’t deal with your trust issues, your communication problems, or your family baggage. You weren’t even aware of them. And you didn’t go for help. You sucked it up and kept moving.”

The Buckleys stuck with their marriage, despite these early difficulties. For them, as for other couples, their success relied both on learning how to communicate with each other and on finding a community that could support them. In return, they now help other couples do the same. That’s due in part to Mike’s role as executive director of the Good News Foundation of Central New York, a nonprofit group that offers programs like Retrouvaille and The Third Option at little or no cost for couples in troubled marriages.

No Catholic advantage

Groups like these use mentor couples, who’ve survived hard times themselves, to help others whose marriages have hit a wall. They have the blessing of the Catholic Church, which elevates matrimony to sacramental status and has a longstanding opposition to divorce. Not that this position makes Catholic couples today any less likely to bail out: Research shows that more than half of all marriages still end in divorce, including Catholic ones.

Father Rob Ruhnke has spent most of his career looking for a solution to this problem, focusing heavily on marriage prep and networking with family life ministers. The prep work needs to be done right to be effective, he says. His book, For Better and For Ever (Marriage Preparation Resources) is meant to help couples before they tie the knot. But despite all the preparations the church has in its repertoire—meetings with priests and married couples, Pre- Cana, Engaged Encounters, Marriage Encounters—being Catholic still doesn’t give couples a statistical edge in avoiding divorce. So what’s up?

“I don’t think there’s really any difference between what’s going on with Catholic marriages today and other marriages, even though Catholic clergy like to tell themselves there is,” Ruhnke says. One reason is that many parishes don’t do marriage prep very well. “Pastors don’t get the best training and people don’t listen to celibate priests who don’t know anything about marriage,” he says.

Vincentian Bishop David M. O’Connell admitted as much at a marriage summit in the Diocese of Trenton, New Jersey last spring, amusing the audience when he compared himself to “a man standing on the shore, having never gone swimming before, trying to explain how to swim to people already in the water.” Fair enough. But there’s more to it than that. Ruhnke notes that Catholics used to live in tight-knit communities where they could work through marital problems with the full support of the community behind them.

Today, that safety net is gone. “I think that the ‘Catholic ghettos’ that most American Catholics lived in prior to about 1950 were the reason for more stable marriages,” he says. “It was not that marriages were necessarily better in those days. It was more that the structures of society made it ‘better’ to be and stay married. The changes that began in the 1950s, then the ’60s and beyond, have resulted in a society that is radically different.”

It was during that same period of social upheaval that Vatican II came along and changed the longstanding teaching that the only purpose for marriage was to produce offspring. It emphasized the importance of the “intimate partnership of married life and love” and promoted marriage “for the good of the spouses and their offspring as well as of society.” Recent popes have tweaked doctrine, reinforcing the idea that marriage is not just a contract for procreation but a commitment to a loving life partnership. There’s a natural evolution from Pope Pius XI (Casti Cannubi, 1930) to Pope John XXIII (Vatican II, 1965) to Pope Francis’ recent comments about divorce sometimes being “morally necessary.”

Today the church finds itself on the same page as the world’s prominent sociologists and psychologists, at least in what it’s saying about the importance of marriage as a partnership. And it’s saying the same thing that renowned experts in couples therapy like Sue Johnson and researchers, such as, John Gottman claim their research has proven: Lifelong marriage is the best option for human beings.

Is the church helping?

This alignment of religion, sociology, and psychology is a big deal, demonstrating that the church is wedded to the sacrament of marriage as a foundation of society—not just as a means of reproduction, but as a way for couples to grow in a loving relationship. But is it doing enough to shore up this teaching and help couples face real-life troubles in their marriage?

Ruhnke doesn’t think so. “I don’t think any bishop or priest intends to not help folks to do well in marriage. Rather I think most are simply not aware of what needs to be done and not aware of how to begin to do something about it,” he says.

Like others working in marriage ministry, Ruhnke backs the integration of theology and doctrine with psychology, sociology, and practical educational strategies. He thinks the American bishops were off the mark leaving behavioral sciences out of the mix when they wrote “Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan” in 2009. It’s important “to teach the Catholic theology of marriage and also the skills that are essential,” like “marital dialogue, couple prayer, intimacy skills, trust, forgiveness, and money management,” he says.

Sue Vogt, a speaker and writer on marriage issues and member of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers (NACFLM), who worked for 25 years as family life director in the Diocese of Covington, Kentucky, has mixed feelings about how much the church is helping. She notes that all dioceses work through Catholic Charities and social service organizations to offer affordable marriage counseling. But there are a few problems.

“Counseling is fearful for many couples. Others are fearful of groups or programs,” she says. “Also, it appears to me that in the United States there’s been a pullback in the past five to 10 years, with not as many supportive things being done. Part of it is the financial crunch: There are fewer staff and fewer numbers of Catholics. And there are also fewer volunteers, so all of this is taking its toll.”

Divine Word Missionary Father Martin Padovani is a family and marriage counselor and the author of two books: Healing Wounded Emotions and Healing Wounded Relationships (Twenty- Third Publications).

He says the church is struggling with the whole issue of marriage and divorce. He wonders about the practical impact of this past October’s Synod on the Family, the world summit of bishops that confronted the obvious fact that most Catholics aren’t following church teachings on family ethics.

Meanwhile, family life counselors like Vogt and Padovani—with decades of experience under their belts—all agree on one thing: The church hierarchy needs to recognize that the institution of marriage is in serious trouble and needs to have a workable plan of action for helping couples.

“What’s missing is an enthusiastic promotion of [the purpose of marriage],” Padovani says. “We are all physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual beings. As a church and a society, from kindergarten to the best universities, we are totally lacking in offering the information people need to get connected with themselves and God.”

Ignorance is not bliss

If loving relationships are a good thing, and church and science agree that a commitment to marriage is the way to get there, why are so many couples today trying to get out? The simple answer is because they can. With less stigma and fewer economic barriers, divorce is an easy option.

It’s a fact of life that couples today face all kinds of problems, many of which make them question the wisdom of staying together: lack of intimacy and communication; job layoffs and financial problems; stress from children, parents, and health problems; or habitual deceit and adultery. What they don’t know is that these are often surface issues masking deeper problems—like people not understanding their own psychological issues or those of their partner.

Padovani says that part of the problem is that couples need to learn to communicate on a deeper level. “People say, ‘What’s the use of talking? We aren’t resolving anything.’ That’s because they don’t understand the basic goal of communication is revelation, not resolution,” he says. Once individual therapy sessions have uncovered the issues that contribute to a couple’s conflicts, the stage is set for real communication. “They’ve learned to respect one another while having the permission to engage in conflict and express anger honestly, but in ways that aren’t hurtful,” he says.

Jim and Jane Flanagan, parishioners at Our Lady of Good Counsel in Moorestown, New Jersey, have been married for 14 years. A year ago, their relationship took a nosedive. The catalyst was the sudden death of Jim’s father from melanoma. But he was also dealing with other issues, including OCD and problems at work.

When the sheer weight of their troubles made it all come crashing down, Jane had a hard time coping. “I felt distanced from Jim. I felt like I didn’t have a voice in our relationship. I was going along not articulating my needs,” she says. “We were pretty much on the road to separating.”

That’s when Jane met Padovani in—of all places—the confessional booth in her church where he helps on weekends. “He offered to counsel us as a couple, but only after he dealt with us individually. He said we’d fallen into a pattern and communication was our problem.” She says he gave her “homework”: A book report on Healing Wounded Emotions to help her understand her own feelings first.

Jim was skeptical that this strategy would work, probably because Padovani called him “a stubborn Irishman who couldn’t negotiate.” “But he had a handle on our situation in two sessions, helping us break things down and prioritize them in an informally systematic way,” Jane says. “I got the message: Don’t be so hard on yourself, life is tough enough. He was even nonjudgmental about the medicine I’d gotten for my anxiety, saying it was the best thing I could do right now to work through this.”

The Flanagans say counseling made them both more aware of their tendency to over-rationalize their feelings, to understand their different communication styles, and to identify their “family of origin issues.” This is the same “family baggage” that the Buckleys referred to as a source of their marriage difficulties. Padovani thinks these issues deserve a lot more attention from couples and therapists than they often get.

“Everyone brings their own baggage from their families that they don’t recognize. One of the things I stress is that couples need to go into the backgrounds of their families. Rich, poor, education, no education, no one seems to see this,” he says. “They look into the mirror and they don’t see they have unresolved issues with their mothers and fathers— and often end up marrying someone similar to one of their parents.”

Jane is convinced that the integration of spirituality and the best practices of psychology is working for them. “We understand that Christ is on the cross, not us. By agreeing that we had a problem we couldn’t find our way out of and getting help, we learned to stop beating ourselves up, to listen, and forgive.”

So, what’s your problem?

Mary Ellen Fattori, married with children for 23 years, accepts the fact that day-to-day dissatisfactions and disagreements are just part of the deal. “People are afraid to admit that they’re not the perfect couple,” she says. “They don’t want to admit that some mornings you wake up, look at your spouse, and say ‘Do I know you?’ ”

She and her husband John are members of St. Dorothy’s in Havertown, Pennsylvania, a suburb outside of Philadelphia. They also work with Retrouvaille, assuring couples that their marriage isn’t over just because they’ve lost that loving feeling.

“Love is not a feeling, it’s a decision. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing my husband’s laundry or picking him up at the train station. You need to make a decision and commit to it, or all these things will build up and build up and cause resentments,” she says. “The whole purpose of marriage is to support each other and grow closer to God. Otherwise there’s a breakdown of communication and you end up living married single lives.”

You name the problem and Fattori says she’s heard it. She’s found healing comes faster when couples spend less time on the details of these problems and more on the hurt feelings and disillusionment. A professor of English at Villanova University, she notes that Retrouvaille mentor couples are not professional counselors, but “just couples who have experienced pain and misery and want to help other couples see they are not alone.” An important benefit of this work is that it also helps families: “Children are the greatest blessing but also the greatest challenge. If the marriage is good, the rest of the family will follow suit,” she says.

Chuck and Carolyn Lamar have been married since their early 20s. They’ve learned many of the same lessons through the community of support they’ve found in The Third Option. Now residents of Frisco, Colorado, their résumé in marriage and family ministry is robust; they’ve been involved in Marriage Encounter, Pre-Cana, and Engaged Encounter.

What skills have they learned through it all? In many ways, the flow of their conversation is instructive:

Chuck: “One: Communication, the ability to listen to one another nonjudgmentally, is essential.”

Carolyn: “Two: Forgiveness. It’s a decision. And it’s not easy.”

Chuck: “That’s key. If you’re going to go through it with your fingers crossed, it’s not going to work.”

Carolyn: “Then faith. Knowing that there’s someone up there bigger than us. That we can count on God when things are yucky.”

Today, it’s hard to believe that the Lamars ever had marital problems. But, they admit they were young and didn’t know what to expect out of marriage. Even worse, they went through the death of their oldest son in an airplane crash in 1998. “The death of a child and the effects on the other kids tend to separate a family, but we tried to work through it together. The communication skills we learned and a lot of very strong friendships made a huge difference,” Chuck says.

Friends and family

Reliable social networks are essential. In the same way that the old “Catholic ghettos” sustained couples struggling with problems in the past, the people in your inner circle can make all the difference when bad things happen. Bill Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, is director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project. Through a program called “Marital First Responders,” he trains laypeople to be confidants to friends and family with marriage problems.

“All the research shows that friends can be helpful—or not. Spouses in troubled marriages turn to friends first. It’s not always intentional, but friends tend to take sides. Friends need to know that when they say things like ‘You two are like oil and water, anyway,’ that’s something better shared before the wedding,” Doherty advises. “When a friend comes to you, be on your best game and be mindful of what you say.”

Doherty employs another tool he calls “discernment counseling” to help couples in crisis figure out whether they can work things out. The approach is “marriage-friendly,” meaning it acknowledges the value of marriage and leans toward helping people stay together.

While there’s no secret to marital bliss, Doherty’s with the majority in his field in thinking that the recipe for a good marriage calls for the right combination of commitment, communication skills, and community support.

After 43 years of marriage, five children, and 12 grandchildren, that’s the crux of the message the Buckleys pass on to couples trying to save their marriages today. Their Good News Foundation functions as both a safe haven and a vehicle for healing.

“All marriages struggle, all couples have a story. The power comes from seeing and hearing other people and realizing you are not alone,” Andrea says.

Communications skills are essential— from “conflict resolution and learning to fight fair,” says Mike, to “having respect, taking responsibility for your own stuff, having self-control, learning to listen better, and appreciating personality differences,” Andrea says.

Mike says commitment is what binds it all together, the basis for working things out instead of walking away. “I heard a bishop say once that ‘marriage is a lifetime of reconciliation.’

Understanding this early on can change your relationship.” Understanding that no one is perfect, that difficulties in relationships come with the turf, and that the dynamics in any marriage are constantly changing helps, too, Andrea says.

“When we meet with couples, I talk about my prayer life and tell them that it’s a work in progress,” she says. “I think our marriage is strong, very rewarding, satisfying, and always challenging. But like my hairstyles, it’s an ever-evolving journey.”   USCatholic