James Sheridan - The Bible and Marriage

A Blessing for the Heart – God’s Beautiful Plan for Marital Intimacy by James Sheridan  who has spent the last 13 years studying Scriptural principles about the intimate aspects of marriage. He has taught Bible studies and marriage enrichment seminars across the country. He is a regular presenter at the Smart Marriage Conference. He has produced video tapes on the Scriptural view of domestic violence and sex and romance in the Biblical marriage and has led the marriage enrichment program at his home church, Hope Lutheran in Adrian MI for more than 10 years. He helped found Marriages That Work of Lenawee County, Michigan. He has been married for 38 years and has served as a trial court judge for 25 years.  (copied from his book written in 2004)

The following text is copied from Pages 69-72…addressing the often mis-reading of St. Paul letter to the Ephesians, i.e. women are to be submissive to their husbands

The Bible’s call for a husband to watch over the needs of his wife is the subject of one of the most challenging passages for men in relation to women in all of the New Testament. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...” Think of the implications! How did Christ love the church? He loved it so much He poured His whole life into it and in the end He died for it! Jesus said that the Gentiles lord it over one another. However, He did not come to let others serve Him, but He came to serve others. This could be the worst news of all. Many husbands would die for their wives; just don’t ask them to take out the garbage, vacuum the floor, set the dinner table, wash the dishes or change the baby’s diaper. It is the little, day-to-day things, the small, undramatic acts of service that are so difficult.

Newsflash for guys: The concept of “die for your wife” includes the little deaths: the deaths of self and selfishness so God can replace them with selfless love and sacrificial giving. The goal of manhood in marriage is not to satisfy the male ego, but to uplift our wives, to the point that they can rejoice and be radiant.

Many men are not willing to become servants to meet the needs of their wives. Yet, this is the standard God sets. Men like the idea of their wives “submitting” to them without remembering that they, likewise, are to submit to their wives. And the nature of the submission is pure service, just as Christ served the church.

Men, you may be wondering: “What does all this have to do with sex?” The answer is coming in chapter 10. The “Law of Sticky Notes” will explain the relationship between serving your wife and sex ... and provide a whole new motivation to understand and provide the service to which Scripture calls you.

A warning to wives: The standard of service God sets for your husband is not something you are to remind him about. It is the work of the Holy Spirit, not you, to correct him. He needs to worry about correcting himself and bringing himself into line with what Scripture tells him. Likewise, you worry about correcting yourself and bringing yourself into line with what Scripture tells wives. God gives both husbands and wives more than enough work to do to last the rest of their lives, without having to work on “fixing” their spouses.

BUT DO I HAVE TO DO THAT, TOO?!?

The single biggest complaint from wives is, “My husband won’t talk to me and he doesn’t listen when I want to talk to him.”

Newsflash for husbands: Women need to connect with people and they do it with words. Not talking to them or listening to them is a form of rejection. The Song of Solomon alludes to this problem. Solomon refers to Shulamite four times as, “my sister, my bride.” This is a strange figure of speech, especially since the first three occur on their wedding day and the last occurs right after he has made love to her on their wedding night. Referring to your fiancée and then your wife, with whom you’ve just had sex, as your “sister” makes little sense in twenty-first century, Western English. 

The cultural reference to “my sister, my bride,” however, is instructive. Prior to a man’s marriage the prevailing social norm was that his sister was the only woman of his own generation with whom he could talk in public or share his deepest feelings. Talking with any other women this way was considered inappropriately forward.

Solomon was telling Shulamite that she was not only the woman with whom he will have sexual relations, i.e. his bride; but she was also the woman with whom he could talk. She was the one to whom he could open his heart and tell anything, anywhere, anytime. She was like his sister.

But, Solomon wanted to do more than talk with her. He wanted to listen to her. He told her:

... let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet ...

Now, there was a man who understood women, and how to connect with them emotionally.

Newsflash for husbands: One of women’s primary emotional needs is conversation.  Conversation is not simply something women want, it is something they need, and need in large quantities. Dr. Willard F. Harley suggests that women need fully 15 hours of intimate conversation with their husbands each week.

Conversation for most men is not only difficult; it is threatening. Give most men a gun and a knife and tell them to go into battle to protect the family and they’re happy. Tell them they face torture and certain death in the process, and they will swallow hard; but they can handle that. However, ask them to talk with their wives about the battle and their feelings about what will happen. Now, that is dangerous ground!

There appears to be a number of reasons for this, three of which are worth mentioning here. First, God seems to have wired men’s brains differently than women’s. Women’s speech centers and emotional centers of the brain have easy access to each other. Men do not have the same neurological connection. Second, men “have stronger, more intense, and likely more unpleasant physiological reactions to conflict with their partners” than do women. Third, both men and women like to think of themselves as competent in what they do. Men, in particular, like to believe they are competent to handle their own lives. Many men feel that if they talk about a problem at work, a fear they have, a concern with which they have been struggling, or a goal they hope to achieve, it is an admission they need help with the issue and are not competent to deal with it on their own. Any conversation that might reveal how a man feels is tough work and risks the pain of conflict with his wife, the pain of admitting incompetence, or, worse yet, the pain of rejection. He wonders, “What if she doesn’t love me any more, now that she knows what is going on inside me?”

Newsflash for women: Would you look forward to a situation that requires a great deal of emotional work, and it appears the best you can do is lose?

Newsflash for men: The appearance that you will lose by revealing your feelings is not a reality if your wife is following Biblical principles. Part of God’s plan is to put women into men’s lives to act as the uplifters, enablers, and emotional strengtheners. Husbands need to learn to let go and trust that God knows what He’s doing. Men need the support women can give when they talk with women, and women need to have the opportunity to give that support. Granted, this takes work, but the reward is worth it.

Newsflash to women: If your husband opens up to you, recognize the incredible gift he is giving you. Listen to him with a gentle spirit. Respond without criticism or scorn. Hold the information he gives you as the most closely guarded secret you ever will have. Your marriage depends on it.